Jana,

You scared me last night. I mean you really scared me. What the hell can I do to change things for you?

When you called me I could tell right away that you’d been drinking and I could also hear the desperation in your voice. I don’t think it took me more than ten minutes to throw some clothes on and get down to the car. But I think you must have called me at least four times while I was driving the next ten minutes or so to your flat. It was only when Asel brought you down to the car and lifted you in that I realized just how much booze you must have gotten insie you.

In the car you were crying and kept repeating something in Russian that I couldn’t understand. I tried to talk to you a little bit but you didn’t seem to pay any attention to me. Back at my flat I had to hold you up on the way to the elevator and the watchman came over to help get you through the elevator door. I managed to steer you in the front door and into the bedroom where I got your shoes off and sort of dropped you on the bed. I made some coffee and brought it to you but you just pushed it away.

I had been back in the living room, watching TV, for maybe fifteen minutes when I heard you moving around in the bedroom. When I came around the corner you were half way out of the bedroom, crawling on your hands and knees, and headed toward the den. When I reached down to touch you, you started flailing around, trying to hit out at something, perhaps me, and crying. “I want to die, I want to die.” I had to pin you down on the floor to keep you from hurting either me or yourself. I know I was shouting at you that I would not let you hurt yourself. I have to tell you you’re a strong girl and it took every bit of my strength to hold you in one place.

You finally seemed to quiet down a little bit and I managed to get you back on the bed, get you undressed and get the blanket pulled up over you. I watched you for a few minute and you seemed to quiet down or at least pass out and I went back to watch TV, hoping you’d sleep it off.

I had only been back in the living room for a few minutes when I again heard sounds from the bedroom. When I came in you had actually made it all the way to the door leading out to the balcony; you were fumbling with the door handle and I suddenly realized what you were trying to do. I had a horrifying vision of you actually going over the railing and plunging eight floors down to the sidewalk below.

Again I managed to wrestle you back into the bedroom although you didn’t seem to fight me as much this time. As I steered you back towards the bed, you veered away towards the bathroom, but you only made it partially through the door before you let loose. I guess everything must have come up at once because you managed to spray vomit not only on the floor but all over the outside of the toilet and the wall behind it.

I cleaned you up a bit and then you let me get you back into the bed without any resistance. I cleaned up the bathroom and then sat watching for almost an hour. I didn’t want to take any more chances. But at last you seemed to be sleeping more or less peacefully.

Jana, I have been there; I have been exactly, precisely, where you were last night and I know exactly, precisely what it’s like and how it feels. Actually, I’ve been there more than once and more times than I care to think about. When I’m in that hellish place time seems completely warped out of shape, nothing seems real, I can’t really focus on anything except the pain and I speak but nobody listens to me. I want to run but I can’t think where and I want to do anything... anything to just stop the pain.

This morning I had some things I just had to do and I couldn’t think of anything but to take you with me. I couldn’t see any point in trying to talk to you because I was afraid that, like me, you would think I was just giving you platitudes without really understanding. But I do understand and I want to change things for you.

All I could think of today was to get some candles and bubble-bath and give you some time alone in a good hot soak while I went up to the gym. I hope it helped just a little.

Please don’t run, Jana. You must believe that I will stand with you and catch you when you fall... always.

Me