Jana,

Things at work have finally started to get a little more calm and organized and I’m very happy for that. I like working intensely but not when chaos reigns. I had a meeting with Abdullah yesterday and we decided to postpone one part of the project until next year so we can concentrate fully on the testing program.

One of the benefits of having a little more time for myself is that I get to go for coffee with you in the afternoon. I sure do enjoy that. Starbucks at Merced is a little far but I think it’s worth it because it’s a little quieter.

It thrills me to have you reach for my hand when we cross the parking garage to the escalator and, if I forget my cigars in the car, there’s something that really seems to touch me when you ask me to come back quickly.

Sweetie, I’m getting really accustomed to you and I can’t think what my life might be like if you were not there.

I’ll see you tonight.

Me

Jana,

You scared me last night. I mean you really scared me. What the hell can I do to change things for you?

When you called me I could tell right away that you’d been drinking and I could also hear the desperation in your voice. I don’t think it took me more than ten minutes to throw some clothes on and get down to the car. But I think you must have called me at least four times while I was driving the next ten minutes or so to your flat. It was only when Asel brought you down to the car and lifted you in that I realized just how much booze you must have gotten insie you.

In the car you were crying and kept repeating something in Russian that I couldn’t understand. I tried to talk to you a little bit but you didn’t seem to pay any attention to me. Back at my flat I had to hold you up on the way to the elevator and the watchman came over to help get you through the elevator door. I managed to steer you in the front door and into the bedroom where I got your shoes off and sort of dropped you on the bed. I made some coffee and brought it to you but you just pushed it away.

I had been back in the living room, watching TV, for maybe fifteen minutes when I heard you moving around in the bedroom. When I came around the corner you were half way out of the bedroom, crawling on your hands and knees, and headed toward the den. When I reached down to touch you, you started flailing around, trying to hit out at something, perhaps me, and crying. “I want to die, I want to die.” I had to pin you down on the floor to keep you from hurting either me or yourself. I know I was shouting at you that I would not let you hurt yourself. I have to tell you you’re a strong girl and it took every bit of my strength to hold you in one place.

You finally seemed to quiet down a little bit and I managed to get you back on the bed, get you undressed and get the blanket pulled up over you. I watched you for a few minute and you seemed to quiet down or at least pass out and I went back to watch TV, hoping you’d sleep it off.

I had only been back in the living room for a few minutes when I again heard sounds from the bedroom. When I came in you had actually made it all the way to the door leading out to the balcony; you were fumbling with the door handle and I suddenly realized what you were trying to do. I had a horrifying vision of you actually going over the railing and plunging eight floors down to the sidewalk below.

Again I managed to wrestle you back into the bedroom although you didn’t seem to fight me as much this time. As I steered you back towards the bed, you veered away towards the bathroom, but you only made it partially through the door before you let loose. I guess everything must have come up at once because you managed to spray vomit not only on the floor but all over the outside of the toilet and the wall behind it.

I cleaned you up a bit and then you let me get you back into the bed without any resistance. I cleaned up the bathroom and then sat watching for almost an hour. I didn’t want to take any more chances. But at last you seemed to be sleeping more or less peacefully.

Jana, I have been there; I have been exactly, precisely, where you were last night and I know exactly, precisely what it’s like and how it feels. Actually, I’ve been there more than once and more times than I care to think about. When I’m in that hellish place time seems completely warped out of shape, nothing seems real, I can’t really focus on anything except the pain and I speak but nobody listens to me. I want to run but I can’t think where and I want to do anything... anything to just stop the pain.

This morning I had some things I just had to do and I couldn’t think of anything but to take you with me. I couldn’t see any point in trying to talk to you because I was afraid that, like me, you would think I was just giving you platitudes without really understanding. But I do understand and I want to change things for you.

All I could think of today was to get some candles and bubble-bath and give you some time alone in a good hot soak while I went up to the gym. I hope it helped just a little.

Please don’t run, Jana. You must believe that I will stand with you and catch you when you fall... always.

Me

Jana,

I looked up your name on the internet. Janyl, or Zhanyl, was a female warrior in 15th century Kyrgyzstan. She was an archer and had a reputation for never missing. She took over command of an army when all the men were ready to give up the battle and led them on to victory. Is that you?

I missed you last night.

Me

Jana,

So you like my tuna-fish sandwiches. I sort of like them also. But I have to tell you that in the States they’re usually nothing so special. As a matter of fact, kids often look in their school lunch box and say: “Ah, Mom! Tuna-fish sandwiches again?”

I was happy to be able to pay off your balance for you yesterday. I’ve started to feel sort of protective toward you and it has made me sad to see you held captive in such a way. Now you’ll get your passport back and you’ll at least be free enough to do things the way you want and whatever money you earn will be yours alone. I think it’s a hideous system that the bosses can control the girl’s lives so abusively.

You don’t talk about it so much but I know you’re homesick and miss your family terribly. And I know you’re only here to try to help them but the cost to you is pretty severe. I know about homesickness; I suffer from it pretty badly myself from time to time and I don’t even have a family of my own to miss. But I miss the family that’s not there.

Anyway, I hope things start working out for you really soon now. And I’ll do whatever little bit I can to help.

I’ll call you tomorrow night.

Me

Jana,

Oh-my-Gawd Sweetie, how do you manage to do that? You moved us from gentle affection into raw passion and then to deep, wet sex like two wild animals and we stayed there for what seemed like hours. I don’t think I ever felt like that when I was twenty years old!

Today I’m so energized I have to be careful not to take the doors off their hinges when I open them.

Me

Jana,

So you have a “sort of” boyfriend. Oddly, I don’t seem to be very upset or hurt by that. First, this is a very unusual situation for me to be in, perhaps the first in my life, and, secondly, even though it’s been many years since my divorce, I don’t feel any strong urge to get serious about anyone again.

But he must be really a “sort of” boyfriend if he’s married to a Filipina girl and also fools around with the other girls at the club.

Thanks for inviting me up to your flat last night. It’s been a long time since a lady “invited me in.” It made me feel just sort of accepted I guess and I don’t often feel that way. Anyway, there are far too many people living there but I enjoyed watching you and Asel make mante. I’ve never seen that done before.

I’ll call you tomorrow.

Me

Jana,

Your story of how you came here was really disturbing to me. I cannot imagine what sort of man would promise that kind of money for such a sacrifice from you and then not deliver. Of course it also shows how desperate you must have been to help your family. But you tell it now with so little emotion.

And the difficult time you had afterwards with whatever it was that left those scars on your legs must have been unimaginably difficult and painful. I don’t understand the Russian name you gave it but the scars suggest to me boils. I can’t imagine a cure that involves taking the blood from one part of your body and re-injecting it to another part. But at least the scars seem to be fading and will probably disappear altogether after a while.

You don’t know me very well yet, probably because I don’t seem to be a very easy person to know. But there are very few people, men or women, that I meet who can almost instantly, just by being in the same room, make me feel completely at ease and take away the loneliness that seems to always be with me. You are such a person. It’s pretty remarkable.

Even without sleeping together I know I would enjoy spending time with you. We seem to enjoy the same kind of movies, I genuinely like hearing about your family, your mom and your brother and sisters, we seem to have similar tastes in decorating and I sure get a thrill out of cooking for you.

Of course you have the looks that I might have custom ordered. I’ve always been strongly attracted to petite women with long dark hair. Oddly enough, I also think yours hands are maybe the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. I know, you’re probably already blushing while you read this. And I’m sorry, but I just have to say this: your body, to me, is just knock-dead gorgeous. Whoever it was that put that cigarette burn on your back... I think I could easily make sure that he spent a long, long time in the hospital.

Anyway, I’m so really glad I met you. I’ll see you in a day or two.

Me

Jana,

Thanks for coming to see me again last night. Actually, when I started to call you I realized that I had done something funny with my phone when you gave me your number the other night. Somehow I had separated your name and your telephone number and I was afraid I might not be able to call you. But I managed to connect them both together so it worked out OK.

What a really beautiful name you have. “Jana,” “Janyl,” with a “Zhj.” It sort of rolls out of the mouth kind of like the sound of something that should be sung not just spoken. And your last name perfectly fits with you first and continues the same kind of sounds. I don’t want to sound mushy but it’s like poetry or something. Of course your parents didn’t have any control over your last name but did they deliberately choose your first name for such a perfect match?

So, I’m not much of a social conversationalist and you seem to be a somewhat quiet person so we didn’t quite set the world on fire with our banter but I really did enjoy myself immensely and the time sure seemed to disappear quickly.

I really enjoyed hearing a little about your country and the town where you grew up. I have to tell you that, even though I think of myself as being pretty good with geography, I hadn’t heard of your country until a few months ago when I was talking with someone in the office who had made a trip there. I’d like to hear more.

Anyway, I’ll call you next week sometime and maybe we can have dinner together.

Me

Jana,

Last night your girlfriend spotted me immediately when I walked in the door and I couldn’t even get to my usual table before she had you headed my way. I was more than a little overwhelmed by your greeting and I was a little afraid that security might spot us and remonstrate with our behavior. Given the situation I guess I could question your sincerity but I don’t think I will because I don’t think I want to.

I really enjoy the music at the club. You would think that, with my taste for classical, jazz and folk music, disco would not be my style. But all the Pilipino bands in general in the city are pretty good and this one is really exceptional. I like the girl who plays lead guitar. She seems to project an unusual personality.

Anyway, I’m glad you came home with me. And I’m kinda glad we didn’t make love the first night. Last night was nice, nice, nice.

I think I’ll probably see you again soon.

me

Dear Jana,

I feel really lucky to have met you last night.

I’ve been working way too hard for way too long. It’s been worth it and I’ve accomplished a lot but lately I’ve really started to show signs of burn out. With that as well as being so far from familiar surroundings I’ve not really had any social life or any close friends for a long, long time. That’s just not particularly healthy.

On an impulse, I dropped into the club last night actually hoping I might run into Harold. I haven’t seen him in while and he hasn’t been answering his phone. I like the guy and he’s always good for a laugh or two. Of course I know he’s probably been grinding away as hard as I have.

Anyway, I was half way through my first drink when I noticed you over by the door talking to some guy. I’m usually only casually interested in the other people in a restaurant or bar but with you there seemed to be something different, unusual. I can’t seem to think of the word I actually mean. But I kept on watching you while trying not to stare rudely.

In any case, I suddenly started hoping the guy you were talking to would leave. I was more than a little surprised when, a few minutes later, he actually did leave. It had looked like you and he were there together for the evening.

I don’t usually buy drinks for strangers but last night it just seemed to sort of happen. I told the waiter to buy you a drink on my tab and thought that might be the end of it; maybe just a nod of your head for a thank you. But you came over to my table and all you actually said was, “Thank you for the drink,” and somehow just those five words sounded like a halleluiah chorus.

We didn’t seem to have much of a brilliant conversation after that but I’ve only a very few times felt such a sense of “rightness” or comfort with someone I’ve just met. Afterwards I tipped the waiter outrageously.

I hope I see you again. I think I’m going to have to adjust my work schedule to include a little social time from now on.

Me